This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
