I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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