Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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