Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
