When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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