You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just pee around me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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