I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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