I think I won the penis lottery.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i've created a new STD.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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