I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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