The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
