i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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