Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
