I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
