Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
