Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
