I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
