WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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