so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
