I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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