Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
