i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Are my feet made of real feet?
What a dumb baby whore.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
