I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize