I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
