ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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