Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
