I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
