so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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