You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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