I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
