i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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