Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
