You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
