They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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