I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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