I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
