So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
