I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize