Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
