I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Define "chronic" masturbator.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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