Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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