if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
