You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
