I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
