I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
