Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
