Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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