She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
