You just made me feel so damn special
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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