My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
