Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
