I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
