i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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