all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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