The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
