I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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