so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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