Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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