Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
