i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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