All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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