The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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