The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
