did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
