Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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