Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
