Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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