she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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