Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
